In this part of my life story that I’m about to tell you, the enemy meant for this situation in my life to defeat me but God worked it out for my good.
“We are assured and know that God being a partner in their labor all things work together and are [fitting into a plan] for good to and for those who love God and are called according to [His] design and purpose.”
Here goes the story: (An unplanned pregnancy of twins)
I was going to college, working 2 jobs, living on my own. In my mind, living the life. I enjoyed my jobs, had fun with friends, living the college life. I met my now husband through a high school friend I grew up with, that joined the military and worked the same job as my husband at the time. She invited me to visit her and hangout. She introduced my now husband and the rest is history. We’re actually still friends with her, still til this day.
My husband and I both had VERY different lifestyles at the time. He was in the military, deploying a lot and I was in college, working, and trying to figure out what to do with my future. We would meet up, during the weekends and spend time together. Then I got pregnant and my plans for my future (Which, at this point, I FINALLY figured out) stopped. I dropped EVERYTHING! I stopped going to college, stopped working and moved in with my mom. I didn’t understand the military lifestyle and didn’t like it, we would bumped heads a lot. We decided to work things out, after giving birth to twins, live together and start a life, once he got back from deployment.
I didn’t like the fact that he wasn’t there to see the birth of our children, but I knew he was doing his job. I was not used to having children around me. My twin babies we’re born, premature, in 2004 a few days before Christmas and had to stay in the NICU for 1 week. I was alone and frustrated. I didn’t know what to do. I was new to motherhood. I felt like, I was thrown into a lifestyle, I hadn’t planned for. I WAS NOT prepared at all. While my babies we’re in the hospital, the nurses had to teach me to play with them, change their diapers, feed them, etc.
When my husband came back from deployment, I moved away from my moms house, we decided to work things out, get married and start our life as a family of 4. It got worst once he came back and life started to happen. I was alone and didn’t know ANYONE. It was just the twins and me. At the time, looking back, I was very depressed and didn’t know it. I didn’t know how to drive, had no money, no friends and I was away from family.
I looked at other ways to deal with this new lifestyle and living alone, most of the time, watching tv and doing my best in taking care of twins. I was not used to being a stay at home mom. I actually hated the idea of it. I used to think, while my husband was working, talking to people, going out to lunch without the kids, was appealing to me and I became VERY angry with him, because it wasn’t me, (I was very selfish).
There was also some good times at well. I don’t want to paint the picture that things we’re so HORRIBLE, but I do want to show you my mind set and why I thought the way I did.
My abortion story:
Months went by and I got pregnant again and I was not very happy. I had a strong desire to go back to school, work, save, eventually start my own business, etc. I felt I wasn’t going to do those things, pregnant, with now 3 children, all under the age of 1. My twin babies wasn’t even a year old yet and I honestly felt trapped, I felt like a failure going no-where.
So I made plans to get an abortion. In my mindset at the time, I felt like this was the answer to ALL my problems and I felt motivated to go do it. So I made plans to get an abortion….And I did it. My husband was very much against this but at the time I didn’t care, I felt he was going on deployments, getting a break from children, and everything that was happening at home, in my eyes, his opinion didn’t mean anything to me.
A small part of me didn’t want to do it but at the time, I felt like I needed someone to tell me everything was going to be Ok. I didn’t know anyone, I had no friends, no money, I didn’t know how to drive, it was a VERY low point in my life. At the time, I wanted out of my situation. Not realizing the turmoil, shame, embarrassment, low self esteem, emotional, spiritual and physical damage it does to you as a person.
After getting the abortion, my husband and I started going to church. As I started attending I would come across women that were just hurt from so much pain of trying to have a child, explaining the pain they felt from having miscarriages, they would ask for prayer and the enemy, would used that aganist me,to make me feel guilty, I even was friends with a girl that was trying to have children and I walk through this with her and the enemy would, through the abortion I had, throw it in my face, making me feel even worse about my self, but attending church and getting the word of God in my life help me to defeat those terrible thoughts I was having about myself but I still had that longing to talk about it.
How do you talk about that kind of pain? How do you say to someone that you made plans to get that abortion? That you were relieved afterwards? and felt like you can get on with your life. How do you express that to someone? How do you be honest with yourself when even the word abortion makes people angry?
Well… my pastor at the time had a woman from an organization called: The Beaufort Women’s Center, which is a christian based program and she began to talk about the different programs they offer and one of them was called the abortion recovery program, where you get to talk about your experience and learn how much God loves you and forgives you.
I took this class and I believe its about a 5 week course, not exactly sure how long it was, but it’s a few weeks and I was so blessed by the other women telling their stories and how much God has done in their lives. I learned to even be honest about how I felt in that program, it has given me the boldness and courage to even talk about my experience now. I thank God for those women and the class I took to get out of the bondage I was in.
I even shared with someone my experience,of what happened to me and this person said to me: “but don’t you realize what you have done?” I didn’t catch an attitude or even get mad but I explained to her that God has healed me in that area and forgiven me. I don’t live in condemnation AT ALL! I do regret having that abortion because of what I know now in Christ but at the time you go off of what you know. That old saying is true: “When you know better you do better!”
NOW….God has blessed me with an education, a degree, restore my relationship with my husband, I own my own business, Currently I am pregnant with my 3rd child and VERY HAPPY! You can read about my labor and delivery story here. I am enjoying EVERY single moment, I have a relationship with God, I know without a shadow of doubt that God LOVES me, He has forgiven me, I have peace in my heart, this is what God has done in my life and I want to be able to share that with other women, who has been in the same situation as I. You don’t have to walk around with this in the back of your head because its doing more damage to you then anything else. God wants to heal you, Why would God create you and leave you walking around in hurt and pain, He doesn’t! He wants to heal you and He is there to help you.
If you don’t have a relationship with Jesus Christ that is the one step you need to take. Everything that I have describe, in order to get the benefits you need to have a relationship with Jesus Christ, That’s step 1. Step 2 is after that you need to get involved in a bible based church, that talks about the word of God. Step 3 After finding a good bible based church, you need to get involved, working in the church is not THE answer but these are the steps that has helped me. Step 4, talk to someone. If you experience abortion and would like to talk about it. Seek out help from Godly counsel at your church and there is someone that can point you in the right direction. After that, watch how God transforms your life!
I pray this has blessed you, because just being able to tell my story has truly blessed me!